The anguish of who I am

I am no good.  There is nothing about me that is worthy to be called a good person.  I am constantly in a state of torment and anguish.  This struggle will not allow my heart to settle in to peace.  My mind is waging a constant war.  I find myself reeling with confusion and pain at the things I've done, and those I've hurt.  I'm suffocating in a cloud of anger, hostility, and guilt.  The screaming of hatred continually fills my ears.  I'm sick and tired of knowing what I should do, yet cutting the cord of discernment and opting for what I know is wrong and goes against the very thing that is life.  This is my struggle against the very thing I wish I could live without.

Have you ever had those thoughts ?  Do you feel like no matter what you do, you will most assuredly return to the same sin, over and over?  And yet, to everyone else, you seem on the up and up?  Am I hiding my reality?  Is all that I am a horrendous lie so as not to expose the filth?  The answer is no.
"We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him." (Romans 6:6-8)

We will have to fight and war against this inner struggle on a daily basis.  But, we can wage this war with hope.  We can stand upon the promises of the One who found enough purpose in me, that He saw fit to nail my putrid sin to a cross.  Jesus Christ saw past the ugly.  He sifted through the mire of sin and reached my heart and soul.  He proclaimed victory, despite the shame.  He looked at me with agape love and chose to endure my shame.  He saw that I was worth dying for.  Me!  He loves me!  Unimaginable.  Yet when I am reminded of His unimaginable love, the leading of His Spirit in me is undeniable.  He found that I was worth dying for.  I will fight my daily battle.  I will fight this war, because He is worth living for!

Let me tell you something. If you review those thoughts at the beginning, and agree that you have told yourself some or all of those from time to time, then you understand your sin. You understand that by yourself, there is nothing you can do to free yourself from that sin. Jesus is the only way! If you sit and fill your mind with endless thoughts of depravity, that's all you're going to be. Yet, if you continue to pursue Jesus and fill your mind with His words and His ways, you'll find nothing but love and peace for your soul.  Why?  Because God is love.  Jesus is the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Consider the following and get started now:
1. Talk to Jesus. Spend time in prayer today.  Tell Him your thoughts, your groans, your hurts and anguish.  He will listen.
2. Get in to the Bible. You will find only encouragement for your weary soul.
3. If you need someone in the flesh to talk to, reach out to a trusted pastor or friend.
4. Above all, know this: Jesus loves you and He desires nothing more than to have a relationship with you!

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.'"  (Lamentations 3:22-24)

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